Ode to the man that moved out of the family home

After my first blog post a few people were surprised to hear about my separation and expressed sympathy, empathy or cliché well meant comments. I am not saying that separation is a walk in the park, but like anything in life, I have a choice on how I deal with it, I am creating my own story. This is part of my story, my experience of how separation brought me closer to myself, my kids and my husband that left our home. I choose to share this, so it might inspire others, who are on a similar journey, to stay connected. This blog post is written to my husband, my closest friend and father of my kids. He read this, he knows it’s now a blog post and he is cool with that.

Ode to the man that moved out of the family home

- my 8 months separation celebration -

Our life was a Clash song for a while already: Should I stay or should I go now? We were both asking ourselves this question. And then the day arrived that we had a real full-on, real life clash and told each other to fuck off and you did. You walked out of this house that I never liked living in and chose to separate from me, your wife, your partner, the mother of your son & daughter. That was a hard time, it was a shock to the system, it pulled the rug - that so many things had been swept under - away from under my feet. I had been set on working out how to keep doing our relationship for 12 years in total, that what the hell was I going to do now? Focus on myself…focus on our kids. Ofcourse that last one was the most important one, because the tension between us had been in these kids’ space too, in their beautiful little minds, bodies and souls. We could sometimes see it in their eyes, if we weren’t too caught up in our own stuff. So yes, the relief when you left was also there, right next to the shock. I remember feeling my heart ping a sharp ping when I realised that I was now so much more available for my son & daughter, my presence was more clear with them now that I didn’t have to figure out how to be around you, how to dance our dance in the day to day. I was shocked at how much space had been taken up by us being in process with our relationship and parenting issues. Man, that was hard, I felt sad, guilty and embarrassed towards these kids.

Back then, when you very soon after leaving found comfort in someone else’s arms and shared how you thought that this beautiful woman and me would surely like each other, how you were in love with her, but that there was still love for me too…I remember in my sadness, anger and intoxicated by a cocktail of emotions, that I tried to just push you away. I remember the well meant advise that came from people close-by to just cut the cord, draw the line and let go, be clear, take distance, black & white. And no, I didn’t, I understood and made a choice to connect with you. Fuck that ‘maybe we can be friends later on’, I want to be friends now. It could have been me in someone else’s arms, let’s keep it real. And I have been with you for 12 years, I know that it doesn’t just happen for you to connect deeply with someone, so I actually felt happy for you to have had that experience when you needed that, even though inside my sensitive soul my own turmoil was as real as that understanding.

And now almost 8 months later, the separation has become a new dance. It keeps grooving and moving. We are separated, you live in a house truck, which always was my New Zealand dream, but I am really stoked for you and the kids to have that special place together. Even though they think the house where they live with me is even more boring than it already was when we all lived there together. This is quite comical really. And in general, I have been having way more laughter and fun recently. That is a choice too.

We are financially separated, you have your own business, I still have my part time job, we are independent apart from left over shared loans to repay and necessary individual support that comes from the government, hallelujah for that, thanks to the system for easing the cash flow. We are still married officially, because the law in New Zealand doesn’t allow you to divorce until you are separated for two years. You still introduced me to someone the other day as your wife…and yes, that is confusing, but just a fact really. We have both not met anyone else yet.

Thanks for walking out that day. I know some men that waited 30 years to make that same decision, until the kids were in uni, what’s with that?…life is just too short really. Thanks for making that change happen in your own life. I have tried to make change happen in our shared life for years and see now that it was not possible. It’s not mine to fix. Nor was it yours. I see my own part in the puzzle so clearly, picked up the pieces and have moved on welcoming transformation of our relationship. I consciously let go of the past between us, let go of the picture I had in my head of what family looks like. We have done this break-up thing before and got back together, I am not holding my breath for that to happen again, but I am also not closing my heart. I feel free, awake and in love with life. I love you for keeping your heart open and being real with me and most of all with yourself. I am celebrating that we continue to share the path as parents, until death do us part, and that we both consciously choose to do that well, together, with respect and support for each other. And I still see the same patterns we both would like to transform, but haven’t figured out how to. Yet. I am also celebrating that we each walk our own path. I feel the relief that I do not share the biggest part of your path anymore. I enjoy having that distance from you, it does me the world of good and I know that you feel the same about having distance from me.

We fell in love. We made beautiful babies. We shared many wonderful adventures along the way. We got stuck and disconnected. We tried our very best to do life together and stay close to ourselves. Instead we got more stuck and more disconnected. And now we are both getting unstuck, detangled and more connected. More connected to self and more connected to love, to each other and to our children. Whoohoo, we are finally working things out!