Out of Control

"Mum, why do I have to go to school?", asks my 8 year old son from his bed as he rolls over. I seriously can't answer the guy without feeling I am taking other people's words in my mouth. I feel for him, dragging himself out of his room filled with Lego creations, a terrarium filled with spiders, insects and frogs and Dutch Donald Duck magazines scattered by the side of his bed. His passions are real boys' things like fishing, cutting bamboo, making spears,  building structures both in real life and in Minecraft, catching spiders and other adventurous stuff. I have also seen that he loves cooking and drawing. And he is great at board games. He really enjoys helping in the kitchen and I regularly find him making potions with all kinds of stuff.


The 'I don't really want to go to work either, but I have to, we need to pay the rent, blahblah' just doesn't roll over my lips easily. Are you serious? I love working, I really enjoy contributing to something, but yes, I do have a need for flexibility and I experience pressure at times trying to balance different needs. I enjoy staying present with what is needed in the moment. (I am not always the best judge of what is needed and that's how I create that pressure...) And no, what is needed in the moment, that isn't the same every day. And when I ask my boy why he doesn't want to go to school, his response is often: "It's boring, I have to do the same thing every day...I am being told what to do the whole day." He loves having choices, coming up with options himself and changing his mind. I love that he is open to ideas. Now let's face it, I know there is a big part in him that is in resistance to school and resistance is a really sticky place, like sticky stuck, not like sweet sticky gooey if you know what I mean.


So then I challenge him and remind him of the friendly principal who last time we spoke with her asked him to come to her and let her know when he was not having a good time. I recall her saying that she wants all kids to come to school because they want to and sees it as her job to do something about it if they don't, so I ask him in the rush of the morning, please find your voice and be pro-active dude, just speak up. "Mum, you can't just do that!" and then "That's not allowed." And now that is the place that confuses me, he has been asked one thing, but doesn't feel like he can do it when the moment arises. How does this work? In an environment where its not the norm to speak up, you will stand out if you do...that is an uncomfortable place to be. So you end up just accepting what is, if ever so boring and you walk in line to fit in. And if you're not careful you keep doing that your whole life, missing the opportunities to do stuff you really want to do and saying important stuff that other people really need to hear. 
So yes, I have felt torn...I have high expectations of myself in general, which is another great creator of pressure, but in my role as a mother I want to encourage my children to feel comfortable with who they are, learn through following their passions, dare to be different and question what is being asked of them if it doesn't feel good. It's that kind of intuition, the inner knowing that I hope both of them will carry through life more than the need to fit in. So how do I best support them in embracing life and feeling free to speak up?
It's a big fat layered cake isn't it...the school is doing their best to create a good environment within the expectations that the government puts on them, the kids have to deal with the pressure that the teachers put on them, then they come home to parents that have been dealing with employers who have expectations and somehow there is always some party that wants to be in control. I find it a fascinating journey finding my own way through this all, watching myself still wanting to fit in and really really really wanting to show my kids that I can walk my talk.
So as I have been feeling a bit out of control myself lately, finding myself in a reassessment of my relationship to work, hitting another deep layer of grief with the separation of my husband and lover, crossing my own boundaries and looking in the mirror and seeing a range of patterns that are not serving me anymore, I wrap my arms around myself and reassure myself that my inner knowing is loud & clear: just be yourself and now get up & let your voice be heard.